yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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