Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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