Your mouth is God's brothel.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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