i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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