I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
