Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
