I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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