I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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