when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
