I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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