JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
