if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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