The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
