Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
