If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
