Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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