I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
