I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
