my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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