I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
