Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Oh god it's open bar.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
