So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
