i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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