You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
