if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize