He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
