I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
