It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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