My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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