I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You pole danced in your parka.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
