Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Green mimosas i think yes
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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