I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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