BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
