well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
