It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
