I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
