New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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