I just saw a hot homeless man
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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