What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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