DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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