I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
