You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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