I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
