FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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