Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
