he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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