i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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