I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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