if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
