if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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