if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
