I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
sex in a hospital.. check
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
