Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
