WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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