I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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