You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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