Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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