just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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