there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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