i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
