I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
