Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
