I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have demons in me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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