apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he told me I talked like a deaf person
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
