How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
