Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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